grief

I can't hang around waiting for someone to decide that I'm good enough to be their everything. That eats someone up inside. I want to be that woman that that takes someone's breath away. I can't hold worry about how they feel they missed out on a connection and how much happier they might be if they took a different path. I made a mistake once, but I didn't have someone wait around to feel that gnawing ache, like a stomach ache but higher and in the middle of your chest. Like it feels like it's making a space too big for your lungs and guts and heart and you can't breathe and your heart is in your mouth and you want to puke from pain. Or maybe I did. Maybe it's more painful because I made the first move.

I can't sleep. I just had one of the most painful conversations I think I've ever had in my life. I can't tell you why it bothered me so much to tears. I can't tell you what it feels like, but I'm sure you know.

That feeling you get when you know you let yourself hit rock bottom again, you let yourself down. You opened yourself up and knew what was gonna happen. You for whatever reason got coerced and turned your back to the battle field. That feeling of ten swords in your back instead of just one.
Yeah it could be worse, but the way you feel at that moment you can't imagine what feeling good feels like.
It's like when cold gets in your bones and you can't remember what warm feels like. At least there is a peace in after this feeling of pain it's a better feeling after that. There's something beautiful in knowing there is only one direction to go now.
Every day you hit bottom and learn to wake up the next day at the top. I know even though I can't feel it that something better is there.
Like fumbling around in the dark for the switch.
Just focusing on something better... that's all there is, it's all you have.
The struggle is beautiful because the only way to go from down there is up.
The struggle is lonely because no one, not even your most trusted confidant will be there when you hit the finish line.
The struggle is life.
The struggle is you.





I sound so fucking dramatic. I am only on blogger when I can't sleep from grief.