I woke up this morning

And I, for some reason, and this irrational belief that I am pregnant. I had a dream or something, and when I woke up this morning it was true to me. That fog spot when you wake up and you can't tell where you are or how you're feeling, that cusp where you can feel your brain and body but you can't exactly steer it right. At first I was scared, and then I was relieved. All in that weird spot of about five seconds.

But alas, I am not.


I am going through one of those difficult times where I am trying to fix everything to help fix myself. I want to save the world, it helps save me. I have nothing, nothing at all right now, and I just keep doing things for other people, giving away time and money and stuff, just trying to be a light.

If I stop to focus on my own problems I break. If I stop to think about how lonely I am, how lost I feel, how useless I feel, how dirty I feel, I break down.

Instead I spend time with those who need me, I counsel those as best I can, I do things to help people in need, and I constantly clean and fix to try and help. I get a little, I give beyond my means, but I don't care. I don't care. It's all I've got right now to help me through.

It's like my own therapy. I can't sleep if I am not doing right by someone.