good morning, this is your brain on drugs.

I think it's rather foolish to write a blog expecting people to be interested in your very own, personal, "unique" take on the world. As what was quoted to me earlier in the week:

"Yes of course you are unique Mel, just like everyone else."

But I figure I am too frugal to spend money to verbiage dump on a psychiatrist, I will dump on you. Yes you. The cool thing is I don't have to watch your face glaze over like you are pretending to listen, or even pay you to pretend and listen. This is a very convenient relationship.

Anyway, I recently started a new job, and I like to observe. I observe everything. Things I notice, no one notices. Generally whilst I keep them to my own very non-judgmental brain, sometimes they just have to pop out. I am off on a tangent now, but don't judge people you observe for having a short nose, a napoleon complex, or a laugh that sounds like a witch on PCP. You have things that are different too. Some people call them flaws, I call them...."bitchin'"!

Back to the job. I have never worked for such a large organization. It's great fun to observe behavior in the Human Race.

Cubicles are strange. They force individual separation, but conversely they allow five hundred employees to be crammed on one otherwise space lacking floor. People get to be like family, bickering with a cubemate catty-corner to them over who's turn it is to brew the dirt sludge they call coffee, or leaning back in their office chairs tossing a foam football over one or two waist high aisles of gray cloth covered particle board. My boss likes to call these "Officles" cause it sounds nicer. Way more awkward. But nicer than cubicles. Nerf or Nothin'!

It's strange that a job takes over a person. Becomes their personality. You really do turn into what you surround yourself with. Before I worked at the clothing store, I liked t-shirts and jeans and soft hoodies, and classy dresses and funky purses. I hated tight sparkly tops with sassy quotes and velour track pants and those knit seperates with obnoxious gold buttons and large shoulder pads.
After I worked there I liked Sevens For All Mankind, Black Halo, Lucky, and Vera Bradley. I disliked Juicy Couture and St. John and Bejewled.

Now I surround myself with educational counselors and I've started "temperature checking" everyone in any sort of conversation. It's like making sure people are awake and listening (Does that make sense?). Or unintentionally digging for motivation or the true meaning. (How does that make you feel? Ooo, tell me more about that.) In talks with people like my boyfriend, or mom or friends. It's crazy.

There is a girl that sits diagonally to my Officle. I only see the top half of her face because of the computer monitor in the way. She has dark eyes, high cheekbones and curly hair. She was talking to me the other day and stood up to stretch. Her teeth were amazingly white.

It seems this day job, this "real" job has taken over my life. Or maybe I am trying not to have a life. I don't feel like myself, which is a good thing. Myself is annoying. Myself is overbearing, and Myself can never make up her mind. Myself doesn't generally think logically, and Myself likes trouble. Oh I know Me is still there boiling over on back burner. I am trying to make better use of my time, seeing my family more, constantly doing something... Soaking up all my free time with a sponge of keeping busy so I don't stop to think about how fucking lame I am. It's a strange juxtoposition. Like when a song comes on the playlist and you are in the shower. It's the same, the bass line and highnotes are still there, but it's just not the same.

Which isn't so bad.