The five stages of Death:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
So I was watching House this morning, (too bad it's Thanksgiving and I am gonna miss most of the marathon...) and this popped up. "The Five Stages of Death." And I was thinking, this could be the five stages of anything. Death, Loss, Heartbreak, Disease, A Beloved Car Got In A Wreck (I suppose that fits into Loss, though when I was thinking loss, I was thinking Human.)...the list could go on forever.
And I was thinking about something that happened to me recently, and I have told literally no one about. And I think that this helped me. For some reason having it simplified like that explained my actions perfectly. And maybe it can help someone else too.
11/27/08
11/24/08
Oh Pressure, Pressure's gonna drop on you
I keep dreaming of having an old car. I really want a classic/vintage car. I mean, I know they are a lot of upkeep a lot of the time. I feel like I need a project or something. Right now I drive a 1998 Dodge Dakota. Dodges are infamous for transmission failure after 130,000 (or so) miles. Mine is pushing 115. I have already had some major problems with it.
Any who.
My take on older vehicles.
Cons:
Larger carbon footprint (sometimes)
Not too good of gas mileage
Sometimes less safe
Generally need more upkeep
Slower (which is also a pro)
I have to drive pretty far to work
Pros:
I carpool 90% of the time anyway
Easier to work on (I can fix most things myself)
Cheaper to fix
Would probably be better gas mileage than I get right now
Big, real metal cars are harder to ruin/total/get killed in (depending on the car)
I feel safer in a tough, slow old junker
I already spend a lot of money fixing my truck
Cheaper insurance
Don't have to pass emissions (though I would get parts to make it more eco-friendly)
No car payment
I'd feel good driving it.
So I am thinking the pros outweigh, but it wouldn't be a HUGE upgrade in worldly terms. But I really can't stand my $315 monthly truck payment. If that car payment was gone, I could put even more work into making an old car into a project.
OR I COULD JUST PIMP THE TRUCK OUT (for way too much money....I'd rather get a new car lol.).
What do you think?
I had a weird day. I have decided I no longer dislike football. Anyway. I need to sleep...more blogging about more weird useless things tomorrow.
Any who.
My take on older vehicles.
Cons:
Larger carbon footprint (sometimes)
Not too good of gas mileage
Sometimes less safe
Generally need more upkeep
Slower (which is also a pro)
I have to drive pretty far to work
Pros:
I carpool 90% of the time anyway
Easier to work on (I can fix most things myself)
Cheaper to fix
Would probably be better gas mileage than I get right now
Big, real metal cars are harder to ruin/total/get killed in (depending on the car)
I feel safer in a tough, slow old junker
I already spend a lot of money fixing my truck
Cheaper insurance
Don't have to pass emissions (though I would get parts to make it more eco-friendly)
No car payment
I'd feel good driving it.
So I am thinking the pros outweigh, but it wouldn't be a HUGE upgrade in worldly terms. But I really can't stand my $315 monthly truck payment. If that car payment was gone, I could put even more work into making an old car into a project.
OR I COULD JUST PIMP THE TRUCK OUT (for way too much money....I'd rather get a new car lol.).
What do you think?
I had a weird day. I have decided I no longer dislike football. Anyway. I need to sleep...more blogging about more weird useless things tomorrow.
11/23/08
good morning, this is your brain on drugs.
I think it's rather foolish to write a blog expecting people to be interested in your very own, personal, "unique" take on the world. As what was quoted to me earlier in the week:
"Yes of course you are unique Mel, just like everyone else."
But I figure I am too frugal to spend money to verbiage dump on a psychiatrist, I will dump on you. Yes you. The cool thing is I don't have to watch your face glaze over like you are pretending to listen, or even pay you to pretend and listen. This is a very convenient relationship.
Anyway, I recently started a new job, and I like to observe. I observe everything. Things I notice, no one notices. Generally whilst I keep them to my own very non-judgmental brain, sometimes they just have to pop out. I am off on a tangent now, but don't judge people you observe for having a short nose, a napoleon complex, or a laugh that sounds like a witch on PCP. You have things that are different too. Some people call them flaws, I call them...."bitchin'"!
Back to the job. I have never worked for such a large organization. It's great fun to observe behavior in the Human Race.
Cubicles are strange. They force individual separation, but conversely they allow five hundred employees to be crammed on one otherwise space lacking floor. People get to be like family, bickering with a cubemate catty-corner to them over who's turn it is to brew the dirt sludge they call coffee, or leaning back in their office chairs tossing a foam football over one or two waist high aisles of gray cloth covered particle board. My boss likes to call these "Officles" cause it sounds nicer. Way more awkward. But nicer than cubicles. Nerf or Nothin'!
It's strange that a job takes over a person. Becomes their personality. You really do turn into what you surround yourself with. Before I worked at the clothing store, I liked t-shirts and jeans and soft hoodies, and classy dresses and funky purses. I hated tight sparkly tops with sassy quotes and velour track pants and those knit seperates with obnoxious gold buttons and large shoulder pads.
After I worked there I liked Sevens For All Mankind, Black Halo, Lucky, and Vera Bradley. I disliked Juicy Couture and St. John and Bejewled.
Now I surround myself with educational counselors and I've started "temperature checking" everyone in any sort of conversation. It's like making sure people are awake and listening (Does that make sense?). Or unintentionally digging for motivation or the true meaning. (How does that make you feel? Ooo, tell me more about that.) In talks with people like my boyfriend, or mom or friends. It's crazy.
There is a girl that sits diagonally to my Officle. I only see the top half of her face because of the computer monitor in the way. She has dark eyes, high cheekbones and curly hair. She was talking to me the other day and stood up to stretch. Her teeth were amazingly white.
It seems this day job, this "real" job has taken over my life. Or maybe I am trying not to have a life. I don't feel like myself, which is a good thing. Myself is annoying. Myself is overbearing, and Myself can never make up her mind. Myself doesn't generally think logically, and Myself likes trouble. Oh I know Me is still there boiling over on back burner. I am trying to make better use of my time, seeing my family more, constantly doing something... Soaking up all my free time with a sponge of keeping busy so I don't stop to think about how fucking lame I am. It's a strange juxtoposition. Like when a song comes on the playlist and you are in the shower. It's the same, the bass line and highnotes are still there, but it's just not the same.
Which isn't so bad.
"Yes of course you are unique Mel, just like everyone else."
But I figure I am too frugal to spend money to verbiage dump on a psychiatrist, I will dump on you. Yes you. The cool thing is I don't have to watch your face glaze over like you are pretending to listen, or even pay you to pretend and listen. This is a very convenient relationship.
Anyway, I recently started a new job, and I like to observe. I observe everything. Things I notice, no one notices. Generally whilst I keep them to my own very non-judgmental brain, sometimes they just have to pop out. I am off on a tangent now, but don't judge people you observe for having a short nose, a napoleon complex, or a laugh that sounds like a witch on PCP. You have things that are different too. Some people call them flaws, I call them...."bitchin'"!
Back to the job. I have never worked for such a large organization. It's great fun to observe behavior in the Human Race.
Cubicles are strange. They force individual separation, but conversely they allow five hundred employees to be crammed on one otherwise space lacking floor. People get to be like family, bickering with a cubemate catty-corner to them over who's turn it is to brew the dirt sludge they call coffee, or leaning back in their office chairs tossing a foam football over one or two waist high aisles of gray cloth covered particle board. My boss likes to call these "Officles" cause it sounds nicer. Way more awkward. But nicer than cubicles. Nerf or Nothin'!
It's strange that a job takes over a person. Becomes their personality. You really do turn into what you surround yourself with. Before I worked at the clothing store, I liked t-shirts and jeans and soft hoodies, and classy dresses and funky purses. I hated tight sparkly tops with sassy quotes and velour track pants and those knit seperates with obnoxious gold buttons and large shoulder pads.
After I worked there I liked Sevens For All Mankind, Black Halo, Lucky, and Vera Bradley. I disliked Juicy Couture and St. John and Bejewled.
Now I surround myself with educational counselors and I've started "temperature checking" everyone in any sort of conversation. It's like making sure people are awake and listening (Does that make sense?). Or unintentionally digging for motivation or the true meaning. (How does that make you feel? Ooo, tell me more about that.) In talks with people like my boyfriend, or mom or friends. It's crazy.
There is a girl that sits diagonally to my Officle. I only see the top half of her face because of the computer monitor in the way. She has dark eyes, high cheekbones and curly hair. She was talking to me the other day and stood up to stretch. Her teeth were amazingly white.
It seems this day job, this "real" job has taken over my life. Or maybe I am trying not to have a life. I don't feel like myself, which is a good thing. Myself is annoying. Myself is overbearing, and Myself can never make up her mind. Myself doesn't generally think logically, and Myself likes trouble. Oh I know Me is still there boiling over on back burner. I am trying to make better use of my time, seeing my family more, constantly doing something... Soaking up all my free time with a sponge of keeping busy so I don't stop to think about how fucking lame I am. It's a strange juxtoposition. Like when a song comes on the playlist and you are in the shower. It's the same, the bass line and highnotes are still there, but it's just not the same.
Which isn't so bad.
These are haikus. I write a lot of haikus. I am catching you up.
haikus (newer ones up top.) i can scrape for change
coins to feed myself daily
others have no change
selfish qualities
they get no one any where
they work for nothing
i want to fall off
the face of the earth, my world
start over on mars
he says racist things
makes generalizations
am i really white?
assurance is gone
god this is what it feels like
to be split in two
feels like i've been lost
wandering around listless
fuck i sound so lame
caught in between
trying to be strong or nice
assholes and retards
try to think about
what the meek will inherit
i'm too impatient
makes my guts go slack
a dread mini heart attack
or could this be love?
so comfortable
memories made slow mo style
these make it worth while
thunder on the rim
when it rains in the desert
smells like nothing else
out of my control
but a bad day is better
than me missing one
lazy palm trees sway
tiny birds fly face first for
hot orange sunset
whats the date today?
groggy in front of the fridge
has the milk gone bad?
am bad with money
not so much that i spend it
people just take it
odd advertisements
think you can out knit saddam?
think you are emo?
i want to go out
but work sucks the life from me
anticipation
late night adventure
hitting golf balls at buildings
or at least trying
a funny accent
doctor has sense of humor
i feel much better
eucalyptus trees
full, dip like weeping willows
hot clouds like pillows
if you hold your ground
and stick to your guns sister
things work out ok
stomach hurt all day
pains that make it hard to move
can't just leave early
listen to oldies
prospect of old friends and drinks
makes the grind worth it
the toilet hates me
kids like to stick things in it
it clogs all the time
coins to feed myself daily
others have no change
selfish qualities
they get no one any where
they work for nothing
i want to fall off
the face of the earth, my world
start over on mars
he says racist things
makes generalizations
am i really white?
assurance is gone
god this is what it feels like
to be split in two
feels like i've been lost
wandering around listless
fuck i sound so lame
caught in between
trying to be strong or nice
assholes and retards
try to think about
what the meek will inherit
i'm too impatient
makes my guts go slack
a dread mini heart attack
or could this be love?
so comfortable
memories made slow mo style
these make it worth while
thunder on the rim
when it rains in the desert
smells like nothing else
out of my control
but a bad day is better
than me missing one
lazy palm trees sway
tiny birds fly face first for
hot orange sunset
whats the date today?
groggy in front of the fridge
has the milk gone bad?
am bad with money
not so much that i spend it
people just take it
odd advertisements
think you can out knit saddam?
think you are emo?
i want to go out
but work sucks the life from me
anticipation
late night adventure
hitting golf balls at buildings
or at least trying
a funny accent
doctor has sense of humor
i feel much better
eucalyptus trees
full, dip like weeping willows
hot clouds like pillows
if you hold your ground
and stick to your guns sister
things work out ok
stomach hurt all day
pains that make it hard to move
can't just leave early
listen to oldies
prospect of old friends and drinks
makes the grind worth it
the toilet hates me
kids like to stick things in it
it clogs all the time
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