I feel lost sometimes. Sometimes during the day I feel like I figured it out.
I wonder sometimes if I am just not compromising, not committing because I am inherently fucked up.
I find that good people, honest people that will stand beside you, they are so few and far between.
My mom called me today in a flurry frustrated because I needed to bring Avanlea's car back to her. I was pretty shocked and scared... I asked her if she would give me a ride back to my place after I dropped it off. I could feel her smugness oozing through the phone. "Why would I do that, when you can just drive your truck?"
For some reason, some crazy reason, she fixed it.
Well, 700 bucks worth of fixing. She asked if I could help her with some of the cost, she wasn't planning on spending that much. I was so shocked she would do something so nice. It makes sense I suppose. Every time just her and I hang out she talks about how bad she fucked up and how sad she is that we will never have a real, mother/daughter relationship. I know she is trying to make up for it. Even though I have already forgiven her. I cried.
When I watched my sister walk, I cried then too. My dad sat next to me and started shedding tears and trying to wipe them away while adjusting his glasses. He and my Mom and the rest of my family watching were so, so proud she was graduating. I was proud beyond belief too. But that sick little pill was hard to swallow. None of them showed up to my graduation. In fact, for a graduation present, I got royally shafted and pushed away in the absolute worst way possible, and no one did a damn thing or gave a fuck. I tried my ass off to be a good girl, I did the best I possibly could, and every day I was doing something unforgivable. No one cheered for me, no one applauded me, no one gave me cards or flowers, no one hugged me and told me they were proud. I walked a few miles to my friends house and passed out. My sister is spoiled but she doesn't realize it.
I heard the real story about why my dad is so fucked up crazy and controlling. Turns out he was a Green Beret in the war, he commanded a platoon of nine men. He was recon, intelligence. He went in and scoped out without using violence unless permission was granted in a serious situation. He was attacked in the middle of the night. He was laying down, didn't even have his weapon when he got shrapneled so bad the medics fought him to chop off his limbs. He was the only one to survive. He hated that Purple Heart in that box, he loathed looking at it, and anything else from the War, and now I know why. He was responsible for nine men's lives, nine men that trusted him and knew what he was and what he had been through. The only men who could really relate when the war was over, he felt that he let them down. When I heard that I cried.
I was with Travis for six years. Every other day he broke my heart in different ways. I was always so lonely with him, I was never first. I then began to try and fill myself with booze and other things that aren't as healthy. I tried to cover up the fact I was so miserable. All I wanted was this beautiful person to really, really put me first . When he finally started to change I was too far gone, he never would have my whole heart. I got burned in a lot of ways, did a lot of stupid shit in the mean time. I am wondering if I am capable of loving someone and having them love me. I feel dead inside. I know all of this gay post culminates to that one really gay line. But honestly, will I ever be able to commit to someone? I am still hopelessly in love with him, I think about him all the time, as well as of other people I have burned or been burned by. I wonder if I will ever get it right, he is changing, should I go back to him? Am I doing the right thing? Why do I feel so shitty if I am doing the right thing? Will he ever commit himself to me? Am I really an ugly person inside? Why do I want to be alone when I am with him, and with him when I am alone? Why have the tables turned, and I am now doing the shittiest things possible to him? Why do I even think I need him to get by, or any man for that matter? Can't I find someone who is stronger than me? Can't I find someone I am head over heals for, I can make a family with, that realizes how awesome I am, and how awesome they are, and they just hold me and my insecurities just disintegrate? Can't I find someone to be goofy with, that doesn't judge me, that isn't mean to me, that I can commit to? Can they love my art and encourage me and support me? Am I asking too much God? Can I ask to be healed? Why have you let this happen? Why do I have to take pills all the time or I feel like shit? Why am I fixing my fourth broken tooth? Why am I so shitty at my job when I try so hard? Why don't I have enough money to help other people as well as myself?
Why can't I hear God anymore? Like when I was a child? Do I even believe in God anymore? Can you hear me God? Hello God, it's me, Melanie. Your kid. When I was young I knew you and I never faltered, now I don't even know you can hear me. Helloooooo, are you there? Can you hear me now God? Am I just wanting you to hear me, when in all actuality you have better things to do? Why didn't you call on me? When I needed something, a reason, so bad? I would give my life, I would be a martyr, but for some reason, you have stuck me here. Hellooooo God, Earth to God. One two, one two, check, check, is this thing on?
Why do I pray when I am obviously so fucked up?
Why do I think I am worthy of God listening to me when I obviously can't even get a monogamous relationship right? When I can't stop smoking and drinking? When I can't even afford to be a light in someone else's life?
Why am I here? Is death easier than living?
I don't know why these things bother me, but they do.
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